Sadness & Despair
Back from The Looking Glass
Kim and Steve Cooper
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10 Steps to Overcome Codependence
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Movie transcript (plus an extra note from Kim)
Welcome to the Love Safety Net Love Boat Cruise
well our engines have stalled and it is dark out there and I am afraid we have hit the doldrums of sadness and despair ...
Kim - Sadness can affect us so badly when it comes that we might feel we are being torn in two,
Steve - or that there is a hole inside us that will never be filled.
Kim - What can this feeling be good for?
Steve - Why do we feel sad?
Kim - Sadness comes when we face an irretrievable loss - such as when we realize a relationship has ended or when someone close to us dies. Or we face disappointment at an unexpected turn in events or change of plan.
We often mask sadness with fear or with anger because we don't want to face this loss or the feeling that we have perhaps lost a part of ourselves too.
Steve - avoiding sadness by masking it with anger, blame or fear will only prolong our discomfort and not let the bad feelings pass.
Kim - When people are not facing their sadness and instead feeling fear they may become compulsive about cleaning or their routine. This is a form of magic thinking it is like they think by keeping everything perfect they can stop any thing bad happening again.
Steve - If we don't accept the loss that sadness is a symptom of it is easy to get stuck in fear or blame.
Steve - A lot of men mask their sadness with anger so if you are angry all the time perhaps you need to see if there is something you lost in your life that you need to feel sad about so that these feelings will pass and you can move on. A bit of thought might help you get to what is beneath your anger.
Kim - This can happen to women too ...
Kim - The good thing about sadness when we face the loss is that it helps us slow down and even stop and change direction perhaps. it clears us out inside and prepares the space in our life for new people and new interests.
Steve - It clears our thoughts from events of the past and makes us available again for the people around us.
Kim - Facing what has been lost and accepting that it is gone is the key to reaching the bottom of our grief and at this point it may really hurt but it is also here that the silver lining appears and the clouds begin to clear.
Thanks for joining us on this leg of the Love Safety Net Love Boat Cruise.
Special Note ...
I mentioned in this movie that excessive cleaning can be a way to avoid facing some kind of loss we have experienced.
While this is true and attempting to control your environment cannot prevent bad things ever happening to you again (and you will do better to face your loss fair and square and accept it) there is an interesting addition to this I wanted to add...
This idea of cleaning being linked to grief comes from the Chinese understanding of the elements. Metal is the element associated with grief. It is also the element of keeping your environment in order and this of course is a very healthy and good thing.
You see it is about balance. If the metal element in your life is healthy and in balance you will have systems and routines in place that keep things organized without you needing to pay excessive attention to this work. If you do not have these kind of systems in place in you life however you will worry.
Keeping your environment organized and uncluttered and having systems and routines in place for your regular tasks will help ensure that you can finish what you start and keep your promises, which will help you avoid regret and disappointment.
This is different than being obsessive about it however. The emphasis of organization, systems and routines is actually to take the focus off these task (because they become habits) and allow your focus to settle on your current interests and passions (fire) as well as the other elements such as building and goal setting (wood) cooking, singing and living (earth) and creativity (water).
The emphasis is always balance. If your fire has gone out, for instance, you will feel very frustrated, where if fire is over energized and misplaced you may find yourself out of control with your spending ... Or with wood, a lack of appropriate goal setting will result in anger while an over emphasis on goals will make a person inflexible and stiff.
So get your life organized and uncluttered and set systems and routines in place certainly, but do not obsess about cleaning if you want to help get the metal area of your life balanced. Metal also rules your regular income from work and this is an additional reason to balance metal in your life.
Balancing metal will be easier of course if you clear any blockages by facing loss and letting yourself feel the hurt so that you can move on ...
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