Still Searching For True Love?

 

You Won’t Find it

on Dating Sites

or in the Stars

(or by softening your lover’s heart)

Because All Along ...

Is Love A Game of Luck?

There’s a joke I like which says golf is a game of luck ...

the more you practice  - the luckier you get.

Love can be a similar game, but unfortunatley hearts get broken in ‘practice’ and there’s no rule book to discover your mistakes.

And even worse, if you develop bad habits, practice on it’s own despite the risks - won’t be enough to develop deep and lasting bonds of affection and create a stable and loving home for yourself.

These days relationship advice often treats love a bit like choosing which shampoo or car you are going to buy - by telling you to look for all the right things you want in ‘your perfect partner’ - and if the love dries up or the partner you choose disappoints you or doesn’t ‘perform’ how you want, you should simply throw your relationship away and start over.

This cynicism has pervaded our whole society where kids now see love and sex paraded like consumer disposables - marketed to them by jaded and bitter old folk, long before they have even experienced their first crush.

Marsrap (NOT Justin Bieber)  - Young Love Guard Your Hearts Now!

marsrapmoviegoeshere

 

I believe that instead the game of love should be treated more like hang gliding, where it is better you learn the rules and get as much ‘practice’ as you can at the smaller skills you need to learn before your feet ever leave the ground.

If it’s too late and you have already had a crash landing or two (or more relationship crash landings than you care to count) - don’t worry because it’s never too late to get lucky - especially if you are prepared to put in some work improving your game.

First let’s avoid the mistakes ...

1. Don’t Convince or Complain

Are you often complaining or trying to convince someone to love you better? A person will only make changes to the extent that they value and care about you and if you are guilty of this love ‘no no’ - the truth is they may not even be listening. Complaining will just have you come across as a nag - and whether you are a woman or a man - this is never attractive.

2. Don’t Encourage Your Partner to Share their Feelings

How many decades have we had of psychology encouraging this - but still we see divorce rates higher than ever. Don’t push this or you will push bad buttons. This includes NOT playing counselor or analyzing your partner’s actions. You can’t force attachment and trust and I would even suggest learning how to end some conversations confidently is one of the most important skills you can learn to improve your luck in love.

3. Stop Trying to Please

Are you trying to please your partner to get them to notice and appreciate you? People will notice if what you have to offer has a price tag attached. Don’t give more than you are happy to give and have the confidence that people will love you for who you are and not from you trying to please them. Spending your life trying to please other people (rather than focusing on your own goals) is likely to cause people to disrespect you, leaving you angry, hurt and disappointed. Trying to impress and please other people to win their love and affection won’t make you confident and self assured but rather weak and low status.

Pride Vs Self Respect

I have two friends that love each other but have only spoken briefly in the last year. One has decided the relationship can’t work while the other is only just getting over the hurt of their break-up.

The breakup was very hard on my friend and he showed little or no self respect - calling repeatedly and asking how or what he needed to do to change - and showing up too many times a day in his ex-girlfriend’s path.

Yet (I believe) there is one simple thing he could do - even now - that would see them back in each other’s arms.

I love both of these friends and hate to see them lonely. So why don’t I tell him my idea? Hmmm, now that’s tricky but let me explain ...

The reason is that no matter how much he wants her back - my suggestion would hurt his pride and he would not listen but argue and talk about it too much (instead of just doing it) and I would probably end up in trouble with them both.

So what is it I would suggest?

Well you see my friends mix in different circles, her’s being the more upper class and more judgmental. He on the other hand is pretty easy going (except for his pride) and thinks it a matter of self respect that he doesn’t modify his working class habits for anyone.

I don’t think his ex girlfriend expects that of him either, but she has had to face facts that she does not want her social life and circles of influence compromised by his rough manners.

Is that wrong of her? I don’t think so. We don’t make society’s rules and most people are not in such a comfortable position in life that they can flaunt them. It is also not a nice feeling to be out with someone who, too often, says and does things that embarrass us in front of our friends and relatives.

So what could he do?

Valley Girl featuring a young Nicolas Cage

He knows the class divide is a problem and so without saying a word he could easily do some serious work on his speech and manners.

Not a big thing really. How many people take classes in vocal training these days, removing an unwanted accent for business reasons? But somehow I think most of us feel when it comes to love it is ‘not real’ if our partner won’t accept us warts and all, and so instead of working on the obvious things that might make us a better companion, we will often hang on to the worst in ourselves the most stubbornly.

I see this everywhere.

People come to me for relationship advice and are surprised when the first thing I ask is about their own personal habits and emotional and financial stability.

Okay, so lest I sound like I consider myself in a position to judge - I better come clean here myself ...

You see the only reason I believe I have the right to suggest anyone swallow their pride (about the things that will improve a person’s luck in love) is because I have faced down that pride in myself.

I will give you all the best rules for being lucky in love and I won’t beat around the bush - but am I an expert?  No.

The only reason I research and write about this subject is because I need this advice myself.

Am I lacking in self resect to say this? No I don’t think so because self respect is not the same thing as pride.

I took the hand life dealt me and I played it the best I could and I have done okay. I still might not be a social butterfly (I work too hard for that anyway), but I now have a husband who adores me and kids who love me and who I enjoy spending time with.

And it wasn’t always that way for me by any means. In fact the way my work has become widely known is that my marriage and family life turned around (after I started studying these skills) when our marriage was deemed completely hopeless by both our families as well as a number of professionals.

And it certainly wasn’t luck that changed that.

I know this because since things got better with us my husband Steve and I have spent the last 5 years helping couples in some of the worst marriages you can imagine learn to turn things around just like we did. And if we can do that for couples struggling with personality disorders, abuse issues and addictions - how much easier might our advice help you?

Because healthy relationships are just like a game. You need to know the rules and you need to practice ‘the play’ to get good at it -- and yes, in case you are wondering -- one person playing the game differently can change everything!

None of the skills I offer came naturally to me and I had to work on developing all of these new personal habits. Still I had the courage to admit I needed to stop blaming Steve and start working on myself and facing off my pride in this way increased my self esteem immeasurably.

So what’s it going to be? Are you going to be like the people I speak to everyday who are so desperate to avoid their impending divorce that they will lose all self respect and embarrass themselves in all sorts of carzy ways, while still not being able to face their own pride and change the things in themselves that really need changing?

Because pride is really the game destroyer when it comes to love -- but unfortunately most of us won’t face it until we are faced with absolutely no other alternative.

Is that how you are going to play it? The pain of facing your pride is the hardest part - but only really lasts a few minutes - after that you need to put work in sure, but hey what is learning to be deeply loved for who you are worth to you?

If you have the courage I have the steps you need to accomplish this ...

Still Waiting to Get Rick Rolled?

Out of all the songs from the 80’s I am not surprised it is Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up that is probably the most well known by today’s kids - and without one cent of marketing money having been spent on the viral “Rick Rolled” phenomena.

“We’re no strangers to love” Rick sings, “You know the rules and so do I, a true commitment’s what I’m thinking of - you wouldn’t get this from any other guy”.

So Rick knows the rules - but it seems he’s breaking them - because unlike other guys he’s going to tell her how he’s feeling.

If only it were that easy.

As I mentioned previously, we have had nearly 50 years of psychology telling us we ‘just’ need to be able to talk honestly about our feelings - but where has it got us? Despite this advice divorce rates still soar and families are in tatters.

Sanity is Attractive

If you listen to popular music you might also be fooled into thinking getting lucky in love means proving to someone how ‘crazy’ you are about them.

I wonder how well this has ever worked for you or how attractive you find someone who acts crazy?

The truth is that you learning to be emotionally well balanced (and able not to draw too much unnecessary attention to yourself) will make you a thousand times more attractive than you being ‘crazy’ or emotionally reactive and unbalanced!

       

“I’m Just Crazy About You” (So maybe you better run!)

Do You Want a Happy Ending or Tragedy?

I wonder why so many famous love stories end in tragedy? Whether it be Romeo and Juliet or Love Story, I wonder what makes the idea of sickness and death seem romantic to some people? I saw Love Story as a young girl and I am sure this movie had a very negative affect on me. The couple fought the whole movie but then when she became terminally ill he came and lay on the hospital bed with her and made it seem that her being sick was what at last softened his heart.

Do you think that being terminally ill makes a person more attractive and loveable? Sad as the truth is I think most people feel scared of getting close to someone who is sick, and especially someone who they are afraid might die soon. So this idea really doesn’t make sense does it? But still I know a lot of people who are sick because they feel unloved and who also believe that being sick should make their partner love them better. Do you think this way too? Maybe even a little bit?

I wonder if you are ready to face off your own pride about the bad habits you have that might be killing any chance of love flourishing in your life (and might even be killing you with psycosomatic illness)  and start genuinely improving your love life and your own self esteem ...