Love Part 3
Movie transcript
Steve - Hi We have blue skies and smooth seas ahead now as we reach part three in our exploration of the emotion called love.
From the chemistry of sexual attraction to the maelstrom of connections forged at a soul level we reach the more friendly and familiar waters of love 'the good oil' helping every cog turn and turning the most simple daily tasks into a joy to be experienced. We are now in the protected bays of friendship and familiarity where with the right skills and tools healthy and lasting bonds of attachment are formed.
What is love as attachment? And why do we form these bonds?
Kim - I think we all long to be loved by people who know and understand us, by friends and family that sense our potential while also knowing our limitations and our fears. We want the nourishment and challenges that help us to grow, while also feeling secure that more won't be asked of us than we are able to give and that we will not be ridiculed for our mistakes or abandoned for any reason at all.
I think that men want all this as much as women but sometimes perhaps they fear that too much will be expected of them in a relationship and they can also expect too much from a wife.
Steve - If you have a healthy attachment to someone you will want to give them your best because you feel loved and safe with them.
Kim - So attachment forms solid families and safe homes where children and adults alike can learn and grow together.
It is sad that to many people this might sound like a fairy tale.
Steve - I see very few healthy attachments in the role model families on TV or in the movies.
Kim - Unfortunately it seems that cynicism and sarcasm have become the norm.
Steve - But if a family as dysfunctional as ours could rebuild our attachments in a healthy and functional way I know that anyone can.
Kim - can you tell us what you have learned about attachment Steve?
Steve - Well I am sorry to use you as a bad example Kim but sometimes you used to come home if you had been out by yourself and start telling us all off for the house being a mess before you even said hello. You were probably very sad then that it seemed like you were the only one keeping the house together but it didn't make us feel for you much or want to help when you did that. I was guilty of it too until I read "Hold on to your kids" by Gordon Nuefeld. That book taught me lots about attachment.
Kim - "So what do you do different now?"
Steve - Well I am still not an expert but I try and think about my relationship with you and the kids first before I think of anything else. Like with our son, even if I am angry about something, like him buying songs on itunes without our permission like I found out the other day, I still said hello warmly when he came home that day and showed him he was safe and I like him before I brought it up.
Because when we are away from each other our attachments are with other people, like the kids with their friends. I don't want them feeling like they would rather be with their friends than be at home with us so I make sure I am warm with the kids when they come home or when I do . This shows them I like them and am always glad to see them and because of this they want to please us more and it is easier for me to talk about the behaviour they need to change and then they are more likely to listen.
I know that the kids feel safe here and like being at home because they are always talking their friends into coming here instead of going other places. Especially if they know it is a family night.
Kim - it can be very tough to build this connection at first and so it takes some courage and skill.
Steve - Yes Gordon Nuefeld calls it peer attachment and it can happen with adults as well. It means that a persons primary attachment is with their friends instead of their family and it is more dangerous than people realise because with teenagers it can lead to rebellion and even suicide if their friends are their primary attachment and then they get bullied or rejected by them it can seem like the end of the world.
Kim - If kids are attached to their friends instead of their family they will be very rude to their family too and this is bad for everyone.
Steve - And if an adult is peer attached they will be bad to their family too. Like I used to be attached to the guys at work instead of you and the kids and I always wanted to be out with them and I treated home like a prison.
Kim - But really you were so unhappy then.
Steve - Yeah and peer oriented kids are unhappy too! This is why we need to work hard at greeting each other warmly and taking the time to show our family that we love them. Because having a home to come to where a person knows they are accepted and loved is the greatest joy of all.
I used to think my job was to correct you and the kids and tell you where you were wrong - but now I know that only caused resentment. My job really is to make you feel safe. Because when we feel loved and accepted and safe at home we naturally want to give our family our best.
It is good for kids to have some friends but their relationship with their family should come first. If this is not the case and your kids or partner are rude to their family and attached to people outside your home it might be time for a holiday where you give them a lot of time and love even if they are bored and hard to be around the first few days. Somewhere that they need you as a guide would be best. Don't take them somewhere where they will run off on their own. This is about you reconnecting, not bribing them with an action packed vacation!
Kim - It is hard to show someone that is rude to you that you love them and that they are safe with you, but that is the goal of most of our work. Again this does not mean tolerating abuse. If someone is violent for instance having the police inform them of what the consequences of this behaviour will be and even having them put in jail if that is what needs to happen to keep your family safe may be the only way you can show this person that they are safe with you. you can still stand by them through this and tell them that you will not stop loving them. If someone is violent they need to experience the consequences of their actions and you cannot protect them from themselves. There is more on this in “Back from the Looking Glass” if you need this advice.
Steve - I learned that I was safe with Kim when she stopped letting me make trouble just to get my own way or to cover my tracks. When she started to greet me warmly and give me and the kids her best but refuse to put up with my bad behaviour I started to feel safe.
I know now that feeling safe is what love should be about. While my kids are small I can be something solid and loving for them and help them regulate their emotional storms till they learn to regulate and learn from them themselves.
This is emotional intelligence, I don't always need to react but instead show them that they are safe and that I will not let them rock this boat to far.
When you work on helping your family feel safe and liked by you that job gets easier all the time.
©MODPOD2008
