Guilt & Shame
You have now reached the shores of the most transformative and magical, yet least understood island on our journey.
Hooray for your courage in visiting here!
Perhaps I have confused you already? How can these awful feelings be good things when so many people live their lives burdened by their heavy yoke?
To understand this mystery you must see guilt and shame as a mirror;
Is it useful and necessary in the morning to use a mirror to get dressed and groom you hair?
Well of course it is! But if you walked around all day with the mirror in front of your face to avoid seeing life's unpleasant side you would put yourself in danger and miss out on plenty!
The mirror of guilt and shame is the same.
Some people choose to feel guilt rather than face life's uncertainty. If they make themselves to blame for every bad thing that has happened, then perhaps they can stop it happening again, if only next time they are ‘more careful’.
This is a very primitive reaction (and of course it doesn’t work!).
Every earthquake, meteorite collision, famine, tidal wave, plague, hurricane and flood in human history has been blamed on someone (or something they did) and someone has equally been prepared to take the blame. Likewise, someone else came up with punishments and someone else else again made charms, talisman and idols to ward against this evil doer getting ‘out of control’ again.
Under closer inspection this is obviously quite ridiculous.
People die and if we wish to live to a ripe old age we must learn to accept that we will need to farewell many loved ones in our life.
Nothing will ever stop earthquakes, meteors and volcanoes, nor the wind or the rain.
We must learn to accept life’s uncertainty with courage and with grace. Life is uncertain and our universe and weather unstable and no amount of self flagellation, punishment or blame will change this.
Walking around avoiding life's uncertainty by holding ourselves responsible for things outside of our control is like walking around looking in the mirror all day and in the same way will undoubtably cause trouble and get in the way.
At the same time we must not avoid looking in this metaphorical mirror daily if we wish to ‘keep ourselves nice’.
Do you drink too much? Eat too much or the wrong food? Do you blame others for your inability to regulate your own anger, jealousy or fear? Do you put other people down rather than face your own developmental gaps? Do you talk too much about yourself, ask too few questions or show little or no interest in others? Do you speak of children in third person when they are standing in the room? Or worse, do you do this with your partner or friends? Are you living in a haze of brain fog because of your lack of exercise and poor dietary choices or are you just plain mean to people because you are tired or lonely or you just feel like it? Do you lack the real skills required to do your job with any kind of integrity? Do you lie or cheat to make your way through life because you never bothered doing the hard work others faced? Do you need to work on your manners or social skills or your parenting or personal hygiene skills? Are you an addict? A procrastinator? A know-it-all or a sham?
It hurts to ask ourselves these questions and it hurts worse to really look closely in this mirror when we find that there indeed is a flaw in our development or our character.
But when we do look something magical happens ...
The pain of this kind of shame changes us and indeed it is it’s purpose to do so.
We only need look until we can ask ourselves this magic question
Would I do that same thing again?
When we can honestly say NO! we know that the mirror’s work is done. We can put it down and move on then. The process is complete.
I dare you to try this each day for the next week.
I bet that after 7 days when you feel a guilty pang you will stop running from this feeling but instead welcome it, grasp it and even chase it down. Because we do not like walking around with spinach in our teeth and in the same way our life will begin to change rapidly and improvement is nearly guaranteed if we regularly find the courage to face the things in us we really do need to change.
Do you fear hearing how you speak? Well record yourself! Do you fear seeing how you look when talking? Well film yourself. This kind of feedback produces rapid self improvement and personal growth. That is exactly why Steve and I have chosen to make radio shows and films. We are not professionals but working on them has improved our lives dramatically. Only 6 month ago I was terrified of seeing myself on film, but I had a friend encourage me and so now I will encourage you too ...
If it scares you - do it! If you are ashamed of it - look at it! If you are embarrassed about it - admit it and apologise! Life is too short to live in the dark and once you face these fears your life will begin to blossom like a rose.
I dare you to start today!
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©MODPOD2010
